Wednesday, September 19, 2007

More of the deep stuff

I can't remember which blog I posted this on (what?!  I have 5!), so I'm putting it here again, cause I don't think it was on this one.  No, it wasn't, cause someone who had the same situation, but on the other side, answered me, I'm remembering now.

We were at the lovely farmer's market they have on a Sunday, and said hello to a nice woman we peripherally know (I know her husband more).  I was out with the husband and the baby, pushing the baby in the pram.  And when we walked away, I felt *horrible*.

She and I were pregnant at the same time.  She with twins, and having a lovely pregnancy, me with just the one, with my head in the loo all the time.  The due date was about 3 months ahead of me, and we had the same doctor at Holles St. I heard then that she went in, and the babies were born okay (section, I think?).  But they were in ICU.  For a long time.  And then I heard, from the dad, that they were having problems breathing.  They were in ICU, and then they were transferred to a hospital in Sweden, for some specialist care.  And that's where the twins died.

God, it's tearing me up to write this.  I didn't know that they died until the Christmas concert in LittleBoy's school, when one of the moms, who was looking at BabyBoy started tearing up and explained why (see, she knew them too, and I didn't know we both knew 'em).  Since that day, I've felt freaking HORRIBLE every time I see them.  One time, I think the first time the Dad saw BabyBoy, he scooped him up out of the pram and was dancing on the street with him.  It was lovely, and he does give BabyBoy extra attention when we see him.  But it tears me up inside...the same feeling that I had when I saw the pregnancy test come up positive.  Why me?  Why not the people who *want* babies (I'm not one of those mums who always wanted to be a mum)?  I have plenty who have gone through too much IVF and heartache, they should be the ones getting pregnant (could that be why my pregnancy sucked so much?).

Anyway, we see her again, and the only thing I can think is "Is she thinking how old the twins would be now?"  I KNOW it's worse for her.  And that, while she'll never get over it, she's moving past it (another thing I know a little about, since my oldest brother died about 15 years ago).

Gods, this has gotten longer than I thought it would.  But it's one of those little things that really effects (affects?) you, when you're someone who is me.


  1. Similarly a woman at my daughters montessori was due three months after me, my little guy was about five weeks old and she showed up sans bump at the gates, it was her third, like mine and we'd talked about the whole juggling I said, wow you look great, thinking she'd gone early, she turned around and literally melted. Thay had discovered that baby was in a bad way and probably wouldn't survive so she delivered baby early and it died (I'm not being cold saying "it" I just don't know the sex. So now it kills me when I see her, she was always a smiley person and that hasn't changed but now I feel awful if I'm having a bad day. I never wanted little people in my life so I have a lot of guilt! But maybe we don't choose to have kids they choose to have us as parents!

  2. Anytime I hear stories like this, or ones like the guy killed in the dumpster in Limerick it puts all of our little, tiny insignificant problems into sharp focus. We would do well to remember that.

  3. There's a bloke in my place who tragically lost his 14 year old last year. It's the same deal, you don't know what to say or where to look. There but grace of god go us.