Thursday, January 31, 2008

The toilets at a local police station have been stolen...

...police say they have nothing to go on (Ronnie Barker 1929-2005)

Following on from the startling success of my swimming pool dressing room post some months back I've decided to now share with you an issue of jacks etiquette.

I have a thing about toilets, it's certainly bordering on OCD. For example, on a given day the toilets I use first will be the ones I use for the duration of my time wherever I am, if I use one toilet in work I'll go to it all day, same in a restaurant, pub or wherever. I also can’t touch a toilet seat preferring instead to kick it up or down as required, it's really quite strange and particularly strange considering I realise myself how odd what I do is, yet don't alter my actions.

As you can imagine anything that interferes with my oddities cause great distress. Picture the scene (if you will) and imagine (if you can) what you would do in the following situation.

I went to the jacks on the other side of the building this morning, on the way I met a bloke, lets call him Henry, who was going to the jacks too. Conversation started as it does and lasted until we entered the toilet, me into one cubicle, Henry into the other. Next thing I hear Henry's voice come from the ether continuing the conversation that had begun outside. Now I've never been in a situation where someone has tried to have a conversation with me over the dividing walls of two crappers - or under if you're in one of those jacks with a gap. What do you do? Do you respond? Ignore the voice? Make noises of yourself in pain and hope they flee with their trousers around their ankles? I really wasn't sure and in my panic kept going with me chat.

Henry finished doing what he was doing, proceeds to the sinks still talking, in comes another colleague, lets call him John. Henry starts talking to John (unaware of my presence) talks to Henry about the same topic. A point is made to which Henry screams "Do ya hear that young fella - John thinks I'm right" thus extending our two way coversation to be a threesome.

Tell me that I'm not the only person who thinks this is odd? Have I thought for years that a toilet is a place for anything but talking when in reality those around me are thinking "your man's a bollix for not saying hello or asking me about the football"

Yours in confusion.



  1. I'm afraid this is not one for the ladies. Ladies wee together.
    I don't always love this as I've a bit of a shy bladder, buth then there's my friend, who, in her own words says 'Sure I'll piss in front of anyone'. Admirable sentiments!

    HOWEVER, this doesn't extend to (I'm not sure what the appropriate phrase to use here is, being 'a lady'), let's say, pooing. Which I do IN MY OWN BATHROOM if I have any sort of say-so in the matter at all. No public toilets whatseover, never mind conversation with other pooers. Shudder.

  2. Elliot in Scrubs can't be spoken to or speak while in the toilet either so you're not the only nutbag....I mean person, who can't poo and talk.

    Seriously though it's the kinda time you want to be left alone. I agree about the not talking even in my own home.

  3. Aw, god, you just brought back a taumatic memory: I was on holiday with my uncle and grandmother, in a holiday cottage. The toilet is just beyond the kitchen - my granny was in the loo and my uncle said something to her - her response was a resounding 'plop' noise and she shouted 'There's one for you, Son!'

    Elliot is right, people should not talk on the toilet. Ever.

  4. Oh no God Tib. No sweet esus. No speaking over the wall. Ever. Am glad you posted this though just for one of the finest Two Ronnies news stories ever.

  5. Not my preference, but it happens all the time though.

  6. I can't look either in the eye anymore.........