Earlier my friend, and fellow lima bean picker, Conformist said lovely things about my writing and it got my little bean brain thinking, why do I write the way I write, why can I write so much about my personal life and be so open about my emotions? My blogging persona is only semi anonomous afterall, lots of my friends know who I am in the "real" world!
So I was showering, and thinking about this, I have had to think about it a lot recently, as I've been discussing it in therapy, my lack of boundaries that is and also my need to put boundaries in place to "protect" myself. I have huge issues with this, I know being emotionally open leaves me open to being sucked into other peoples feelings, thinking too much about others emotional needs or reactions to my actions, I can find it draining if I am giving too much of myself, but conversely I am open to enjoying the positive effects of this, sharing in peoples joy, experiencing true connections with people.
I can write the way I write because I need to write this way, it's me, it's me dealing with my physicality (my weight or sexuality), my mind (the bizarre things that go through my little mind) and my soul (the emotional upheavals and the new joys I've experienced in the last 10 months). I'm not gonna say it's always been easy, or pleasurable to write these things, but it's a need I have inside me. My hope is that maybe by giving something of myself in my posts I can connect with people on a deeper that superficial level and maybe learn something about myself or other people.
Some people very close to me have often asked me to put limits to my being (does that make sense?) If I have no limits or boundaries then it's easier to get hurt because my ego has no clear edges and my happiness gets interwoven with other people needs. I find it extremely difficult to do this. I have previously been in a very long relationship with no boundaries, and now I am building appropiate boundaries between my ex and myself, while it is difficult it is possible, but I dislike the hiding aspect of it, I am hiding large amounts of my life from someone I previously hid nothing from...
He was more guarded and hidden than I was so it's not so apparent that he is hiding from me. It's like he could see right into my essense (soul, heart, whatever) but now I have to hide it, to protect myself. While on the other hand I am in a relationship with a man that I am learning to trust and allowing to(slowly and carefully) see my essense. It's difficult!
I don't know if this makes any sense, I don't know if it explains why I write the way I do, I know it doesn't explain why I am so open, maybe having children young was a factor, or maybe my childhood? Obviously being in a long relationship must have been a factor, never having had my heart broken meant I had never built any walls around myself.So I have no poker face, which would be nice sometimes!