If you could go back and change one thing what would it be?
I have one memory. One fraction of a moment in which everything in my life changed. I obsessed about it for years. If only things had been different. If only I had been quicker, smarter, braver. It haunted me for such a long time.
Since this time I have made many mistakes. I have hurt those I love and I have been hurt. I have behaved foolishly and had regret. None of these later memories compare to the enormity or gravity of the original one but each have given me that little tinge in my chest. You know the one that makes you squimmer in embarrassment, regret or anger.
A week or so ago a fellow internet-head asked me what memory of my past would I change if I could. My immediate answer was NOT A THING. I then realised that I haven't thought about that moment in so long. What used to be a part of my every day reflection, is now just a memory. It surprised me. I felt a little guilty.
But there you have it. Given the choice I wouldn't change a thing in my past. It might alter my present which, despite work pressures, exams, money worries, is pretty damn good. Any ripple in the past might have a drastic effect on my life as it is.
Without wanting to sound clichéd, I have come to accept that everything that has gone before has led to this moment and I accept my past without regret.
I do appreciate how lucky am to be able to say that about my life. I know many are not in the same boat.
Personally, I hate the knowledge that everything - every single thing that has happened in your life - good or bad - has brought you to this second, right here, right now, whoever or whatever you may be.
ReplyDeleteI spend my life wishing that I could have changed things in the past. It occupies far too much of my time. My grievances, the people I met or didn't meet, things I should have said etc. It's all tough but it's all gone.
I'd change loads, Lottie, if I could. Loads and loads and loads.
Me too Darragh.
ReplyDeleteYou've got to recognise that it would just bring you to a differnt set of regrets though, if you know what I mean.
It's very hard to make far reaching descision and actions mindfully. Too hard, really.
Good post, Lottie. I wish I could say the same.
If I had a guarantee that things wouldn't change dramatically - sure there are loads of things I would change.
ReplyDeleteI'll go take my glaotyness elsewhere.
I don't think it's gloatiness! I think it's how we're meant to feel.
ReplyDeleteI mean, it's clear from your post life hasn't been perfect. I think it's about attitude, acceptance, a philosphical mindset, peace inside yourself, not gloatiness!
Lottie I'm with Darragh & Jo on this but up until 5 years ago I would have been very much in the no-change camp because in the end changing the past is a form of suicide.
ReplyDeleteBut more than just to take away the bad parts of the past, I'd change things cause if you're gonna have the opportunity to live again what is the point in doing everything exactly the same again. I do love that retro Kylie track though:...if I had to do it all again, I wouldn't change a single thiiinngg, there's no questioning in my heart, when it comes to our love, I wouldn't change a thing.
I agree, good post.
Lottie,
ReplyDeleteI do agree with the "not changing", cos it brings you to this very moment.....but if I had done things differently I would be happy to be in that very moment too I'm sure?
I have spent the last year thinking, rehashing, wondering? none of it helps, none of it makes the mistakes any easier, but it has to be done because next time I want to make a better decision?
Great Post!
Strange that I could have written this post Lottie, I tried to a couple of times.
ReplyDeleteThere it is - one moment in my past that I have obsessed about ever since. What if...?
I've beaten myself up about it, cried myself to sleep about it, written about it, looked at it from every angle with one or two others, convinced myself it was the moment I would take back. The one thing I would alter, the less travelled road I would take.
No more. I have to break the power it has over me. I have to let it go or else I'm lost, forever.
And so I have.
I chose because I chose, did because I did and, like you, now I wouldn't change it because I am where I am and while I may not be as happy with my life as you so obviously are with yours, I will someday be in that better place.