For fucks sake

Well to blog or not to blog, hard decision

Before I start can I just state I am not looking for sympathy in any way, more needing a place to do a big, big mental scream.

So where to start, well I guess an apology to some people around me, friends and nearest and dearest may have picked up on the fact that I am more than a little bit cranky, the last week or so, I never mean to be, cranky or snappy or snide but it seems that is where for me, worry manifests.

Ok start at the beginning two weeks ago, ( right slap bang in the middle of getting some bad news about a family member) routine shower like we all do, not that exciting until you run your hand over yourself and find a lump, instinct is"what the fuck is that", keep checking, keep checking, keep checking, get out the shower and say to hubby..... nothing.

Spend the next two weeks ignoring any worries and keep going back and checking and checking, maybe it has gone away, right? 

All the time feeling sick to the stomach on one hand and carrying on as normal on the other, only you don't, you get cranky you snap, you feel tired, stressed 

So you make a decision ask hubby if he can feel anything, he is gonna tell you nah your imagining it, right? wrong, he felt it and insisted that you go to a doctor straight away.

Ok, ok calm down, I will go to the doctor and she will say "ahh yes a normal part of the breast nothing to worry about my dear..."

Went to the doctor yesterday and she has a feel which in itself is no fun, only to be told yes there is a lump, we need to get you scanned and a biopsy as soon as possible, is there any family history etc etc, well yes there is my mom died of cancer at exactly this time last year.

Oh right I see, to which she said I can't tell you anything which will make you feel better, only that we must get it checked and work from there.

Cue me going home, bursting into tears at the realness of it, dog barking, kids wondering what on earth is going on, to which I obviously lied and made up some story about Mummy having a headache or something equally lame.

Now I know, that there can be many, many reasons for a lump in the breast, a cyst a fatty deposit, etc etc and breast cancer.

 I am shit scared