Wednesday, June 06, 2007


I don't want you to think all my posts here are just going to be about my kids but this one became starkly apparent today. They say there are no certainties in parenting. There aren't. But there are some scientific equations that are universal and I'm establishing here in advance of their publication in Parenting Physics monthly in October.

K + h/c = A x 2 (kid plus haircut equals age multiplied by two)

This one relates to my daughter today and pretty much to any kid. Take them prior to a haircut at any time and they are the age they are. Bring them home afterwards and they will instantly have grown more mature in your eyes. Thus I now have a 6 year old daughter (she acts that way most of the time so now the illusion is complete!)

K + v + v + v + v + v = A -3 (kid plus a lot of vomiting equals them acting at least three years younger than they are)

And this one is equally true. Any child, no matter how mature they are for their age, will automatically regress by a couple of years when they're sick. They'll cry where they normally wouldn't, become instantly more clingy and rediscover their love of toast soldiers. Sometimes this means a rediscovery of the terrible two within as well. This is particularly true when you have a sick child who's been off school on a sunny day when they have to look out their window at all their mates playing out in the street.

So, as a result, I now have two 6 year olds today. Here endeth the lesson. Tomorrow we look at the inverse relationship between the number of times you've procreated and your will to procreate again (joke!)

EDIT Since I wrote this my wife found our daughter putting peas up her nose at the dinner table. May have to go back and rethink this all.


  1. Don't most men regress as well, when they're sick? I know I do. And I'm not a man.

  2. Yep Polkadot but aint that why you women love us, we need you, because we are so close to death even if it is a flu.

  3. Yup. Definitely the regression thing. Makes us "adorable"

    You'll be able to read about it in my next paper "Why only men catch 'The Death Flu'"