Thursday, July 31, 2008

Parental Love (update...)

So the last time I talked about this issue, specifically my relationship with my Dad, he had disowned me for no good reason. A few weeks later I received a text message inviting me (and my kids) up for dinner. Great! Looks like he's feeling bad for what happened, maybe we can put it all behind us?

Well it was quite strange when I got there. Very little attention paid to me at all. Now this is not in the least unusual for my Dad but I really seemed to notice it this time and conspicuous by its absence was any mention of what had happened. So I'm standing there, all the dinner preparations are underway and I just feel a bit sick. Just what is the point of all this rushing around doing a Sunday dinner (for me?) if I don't warrant any emotional consideration? Eventually, when my boys were not around I asked my Dad about the night he disowned me. To my astonishment he completely denied what had happened. Pressing further he basically said what else do I expect if I talk shite!! Ok I didn't get anywhere with that but insisted that he should at least apologise as I really haven't done anything to be treated like that. He insisted that he "doesn't do sorrys"

Really! Well just how can I stay then? I mean what is the point? If I don't deserve a single "sorry" then how could I really be welcome and thus what the hell am I doing there. A few moments later I said to my Dad: "Look, if you can't at least acknowledge what happend and say sorry then I'll just leave." No response. I said it again and pointed out that I was serious and he wouldn't budge. Grand, went out the back garden to get my boys and left. He did squeeze out a "sorry" as I was walking out the door, but too late. Haven't heard a peep since and I haven't been in touch since. Aren't parents just great?!

Now I don't know what to do. Do I call him and try to work it out or wait of him to call? Also, he now knows that I am about to be a father again (he found out from my kids). It would be nice to talk to him about this (err... maybe/maybe not) but life goes on anyway!


  1. Here is some advice that I probably can;t give myself, but is gleaned from others in similar situations.

    You are not going to get what you need from him, he not able to give it.

    Attempting to get it will cause you pain.

    The best you can do is come to terms and work things through for your own selfish reasons, make peace with the father he is and has been.

    Hopefully, through doing that, he'll learn how to be a nicer, more emotionally generous guy, but if not, you need to learn to live ithout his affection or approval.

    A little trick from Cutting the Ties that Bind: each night when you're falling asleep envision yourself sitting opposite your father, and draw a blue figure of eight around and between you both, with you in each loop. Make it blue light. Then slowly dra gold light around each of you, taking away the middle bit til you just have two independent circles.

    I know it's new age, but it's a good visualisation. Effective. A bit of healthy emotional separation is good for a parent child relationship!

  2. I like Jo's idea of visualisation, personally I think a shot gun would be better! Sorry! He is an idiot, you know this, he is jealous of your achievements and your life, he is hell bent on making your life as miserable as his own, so let him wallow in his own crap.

    You need to fill your life with people who are positive and loving, do you think our baby will missout cos it doesn't have him in it's life?

    I am too old to tolerate negativity in other people, toxic people, I don't want him upsetting you, and I definetly don't want him having anything to do with our baby when he/she (Darrenetta?) is born!

    Ah, you thought I was such a lovely easy going woman, when it comes to my kids and the people I care about I will not tolerate people hurting them!

  3. This is your decision to make, and if you decide you want him in your life then call him. He did come up with a (lame) sorry.

  4. I think it would've taken a lot for him to say that "sorry". I really see that as promising! You obviously know him better but I'm someone who never says sorry, I hate to be wrong and I'm imagining if he said it as you walked out thte door it probably took a lot for him to do that? I think he made a big effort in the end when he saw you leave and that says a lot. Hope so anyway. :-)

  5. A suggestion could be possibly writing a letter and sending it to him? This way you are getting how you feel across without confrontation, if he responds he responds if not let that be his look out.
    It's possible he did mean it when he apologised just before you left, but then again he could have just said it so as you wouldn't leave and he woudln't look bad to other family members who may have been there?
    I don't know the situation so can't really comment properly.
    I hope it works out for you whichever way it works out and best of luck with it :-).