Santa is a c***

No he is. I’ll go even further if I find his rotund body round mine again I’ll feckin’ knee cap him.

Year after bloody year I have the same item at the top of my Christmas list. Year after bloody year his fatness gives me the item that is sooo far down on the list it has dropped off the bottom and fallen down a mine shaft. I don’t need more socks you fat feck. What I need is the item at the top of my list.

How feckin’ hard is it to get me Heather Graham, Heather Locklear and Angelina Jolie for one night of mad passion? Ok one night maybe an over statement of my prowess between the bed sheets. 20 seconds if they were lucky, on a good night possibly, then they would have to entertain their selves for the rest of the time.

But even so my list said Heather Graham, Heather Locklear and Angelina Jolie and not feckin’ socks.

Just what is it that you have got against me Santa? Is it because as a little boy I wouldn’t jump and wiggle around on your knee like all the other kids? You sick perverted feck, just because I wouldn’t play your little Michael Jacksonesq games. You have to go and punish me later in life.

Santa is it you putting the frighteners on Gordon Brown? I was only the other day pondering on here why the feck does he hate me so much.

Just once Your Seasonally Plumpness, just f’in once would you please give me Heather Graham, Heather Locklear and Angelina Jolie for one night of down right degrading disgusting drug and fetish fuelled sex? A sock on the willy just doesn’t even compare, and you know it.

Thanks fatty

Beware the fury of an angry parent

The road I live on leads to a cul-de-sac, so we don't get much through-traffic. However, enough homes are on the road that strangers who don't live here often visit those who do. No problem. We have family and friends do just that. But there's a behavior problem involved.

The "Children Playing" sign at the entry to the road needs to be twice its current size, and have lasers attached which will blow out the tires of the fuckers who go tearing up and down the road so maybe their car would flip and crush their useless skulls in a mesh of metal and glass.

Ahem.

There are more than six children on the road under the age of 10. They love to play together, and go running up and down the sidewalks or ride on their scooters or even their bikes. All of the parents are trying to get them into the habit of looking before the go running into the road, but reality being as it is, sometimes they don't follow our instructions.

A couple of days ago a lady was coming down the road from the cul-de-sac at an incredible speed. I'd just walked my son down to play with his friends, and wasn't in a glowing mood, so I stood in the middle of the road waving my arms. When they slowed down, I saw a woman with at least four children (not a seatbelt fastened around one of them) looking at me curious as to why I'd signaled her. I yelled (I won't be silly and try to suggest I was speaking calmly), "SLOW DOWN, there are CHILDREN on this road!" I was looking at her own kids more than her while I said it. She looked sheepish and drove away...a little more slowly.

Just now, I was walking home with my son's broken scooter as he went running with his friends up the sidewalk in some game I wasn't privy to. Down comes a red Volkswagen burning enough fuel to reach its 0-60mph rating pretty quickly. I repeated my Hit me, you fucker pose, and when he slowed to pass me I saw the 20 year-old (at best) looking at me like I was nuts when I yelled basically the same sentence again, word-for-word. To help him deal with the repercussions of his actions, he went tearing out around the corner---again, not losing control of his car, much to my dismay.

I don't want speed bumps on our road, but at the same time I want something better than the sign no one looks at. I know kids are going to come running out from behind parked cars, and I've yet to see more than a few people honor the 10mph rule for this sort of road.

Given that, I also don't want some useless sack of shit given the power to take away my son's life.

Jesus, time for some wine.

Fear of aging?

A friendly neighbor of ours just turned fifty. For some reason I've had some odd dreams the last few nights as a result. The first: that he had a heart attack and died days after his birthday party.

Then came the one this morning where he's stumbling drunk up the sidewalk with his (sober) wife to their house, only to fall and hit his head on a small brick wall that doesn't exist in reality. In the dream they were able to get him into their house and he was okay, but the scene carried an odd threat in it.

What the hell?!

Adults revert to being bold children

Note taped onto the back of the bathroom stall door at a building with keycard-controlled entry of the entrance, all doors, and all hallways:

Dear Client,

It is my intention to install security cameras in the toilets as a result of improper use of the main facilities. The cubicles in the 5th floor toilet areas were left in a badly soiled state on Thursday, Friday last week and again this Monday.

I can only say that the level of soiling was such that it beggars belief that somebody could leave an area in such a bad state.

We have completed a print out of door activity to this area today and note that all access was client based. The janitorial staffs have cleaned this area on the last 3 occasions and I would ask the party in question to cease this activity.

The positioning of these cameras will focus on the main cubicle doors and will not interfere with your privacy.

The Management