It's 9:40PM. I hate this time of evening...

I've never been one for sleep. If I had it my way I'd surf, work and play on the web until at least 3:30am. But I can't. It used to be worse, I wouldn't be able to sleep until 3:00am even if I went to bed. That's gotten easier as I've gotten older, I'm able to get to sleep earlier. But I still don't want to. I love staying up, I always have. I love computers, doesn't matter if I'm playing, programming, tinkering or surfing. I would often "optimise" my PC at around 11PM only to end up breaking the OS and having to spend 4 or 5 hours rebuilding it. "Oh damn, that's Windows bust....you beauty...." and I'd love every minute of it.

At 9:40PM it dawns on me that I have to start thinking about bed. And that's depressing.

When I was younger I could never get to sleep - and the more exciting the following day, the harder it got. But I could always sleep late. Maybe because I had to go to sleep - and then had to get up - that I just didn't want to do what I was supposed to. I also had ADHD. I've since read that a lack of sleep is a major contributor to children developing it or experiencing ADHD-type symptoms and behaviour (or lack thereof).

Since around the age of 23 things got worse. I still couldn't get to sleep but then oddly I started waking up earlier. So mugs and mugs of coffee during the day and a few more pints at the weekend to wind down. Kind of an odd cylce - caffiene fuelling me and alcohol wearing me out. Now I can't stay in bed for longer than 7 hours at the most. Sometimes I get 5 hours sleep or less. I know many people have it worse but this is my worst. This has been going on for a few years and nowI have hypertension. The good news is I've started getting better at falling asleep, I think, at least in the last year.

I still fucking hate it though.

Time Poem

It's February and soon, for me, Christmas will be looming,
while for you it is a country far across the sea.

For me, the far country is twenty-something,
while you count each quarter year.

Time and tide flow differently around us
as we flick or wade through

A thousand seconds.
Little more than half a day.

If I could borrow some of your extra long hours,
I'd sleep.

Sleep and claw some time back.
Hold off the grey.

For some stupid reason, thelink to my companion post to this won't work - it works in draft? So if you're interested, see my last blog post. www.infantasia.blogspot.com