Jade Goody

Forgive me I am no writer, it sounds right in my head and then doesn't quite work wrote down.

I awoke this morning with the news that Jade Goody has now been told that the doctors are no longer trying to cure her but after discovering that she is basically riddled with cancer they are now just going to pro long her life as much as they can, 

I know a lot of people will say who give's a shit about Jade Goody that foul mouthed racist idiot, well I do and here is why.

Let me take you to October 2008, My mother awoke as normal went downstairs made a coffee and breakfast and sat down as was her and everyone else's normal routine, on starting her breakfast she discovered that she couldn't hold her spoon properly, that's odd she thought shouted my step father who came to inspect , on seeing mom said I think you had better go to the doctors.

Mom drove herself to the doctors with my  step dad tagging along, she arrived in the doctors stood at the counter and said to the receptionist Ooh I feel a little faint, she promptly dropped to the floor and had a massive seizure, cue an ambulance being called and mom being rushed into Hospital.

On arriving at hospital they thought that mom had had a stroke, calmed her down and sent her off for scans, by this point she had lost the use of her left hand but speech remained normal.

On getting back from  the scans  my brother called me to say are you sitting down, they have discovered that mom has a brain tumour.

I got on a train and went the 200 miles up to mom to find her reasonably cheery, they had told her that she would have an operation and that they were confident that they could remove it.

I left two days later knowing that things were bad but  thinking that she would have an operation and things would be ok.

Two days later she had the operation, she came around to the news that they had indeed removed the tumour and that things were on the up.

A week or so later she was allowed out of hospital to go home, she was that well, she was very happy as all she had wanted was to get home, the family were happy it was great to have her home, things could return to normal right?

another week passed and she was not feeling great, tired all the time and weaker than she had ever felt, but still refusing for me to go and look after her, telling me not to do it because of my two children that she felt needed me more.

This went on for a few days until one night she got up in the night needing the bathroom she for whatever reason turned wrong on the stairs and fell from top to bottom landing on her arm and banging her head , she was rushed back into hospital, with at this point some confusion- we thought from banging her head.

The hospital decided to re scan again in case of her having any post operative bleeding and of course because she had just taken a nasty tumble.

We were then met with the news that in a matter of days she had three more tumours on her brain, there was nothing more they could do.

And this is when the world as we knew it started falling apart.

That night i took a call from my brother telling me that she was deteriorating fast and that i needed to get there as soon as I could, I caught the train the next morning and went straight to the hospital I arrived at the hospital to find my beautiful mother lying in a foetal position, still speaking a little but unable to stay awake for longer than a couple of minutes.

My brother and I were told we would lose mom that night.....

My brother and i stayed in the hospital all night with her, holding her hand, giving her drinks , cleaning her when the nurses were too busy and crying, and she looked at me and said "I love you my darling", and the worst "Im frightened"  I rubbed her forehead like she had done so many times for  me over the years.

She didn't die that night but instead two days later , I had to go back home to the children mom was moved to a hospice.

I spoke to her on the phone everyday at the hospice and went to see her on the Saturday, she had stopped speaking overnight and I arrived to the most awful sight of my mother who had wasted away in less than a week and was now just staring into space, I sat and held her hand she didn't know I was there.

I left the hospice that day at 3.45 p.m. she died exactly 24 hours later 

My mom was 58 years young.

So who gives a shit about Jade Goody... I do

Heath Ledger

My husband got a text from his friend, first thing on Wednesday morning. Heath Ledger is dead...

I don't know that he was the greatest actor who lived or anything, but I'm sad about it. I thought he was gorgeous, intelligent, funny. Charismatic. His face is like the comic/tragic masks.

I couldn't help but be reminded of how it felt when River Phoenix died. It might have been the night I met my husband, actually, we were all walking from pub to club along the seafront, with a case of Heineken, and raised a toast to him. I felt that loss more keenly, I suppose because he was much more of my generation and we'd grown up with him - Heath Ledger wasn't in Stand By Me after all. But still - I think he could have been. And I think he seemed enough of a - I don't know what the word is - not character, not star, just someone who shone brightly enough that the world will miss him, even just a little.

It's even harder if his overdose was a simple accident, as I've heard suggested (though perhaps I haven't been keeping up with the gossip), if he didn't die through hedonism, or self destruction. And he has a family, though I think he'd recently split up with his wife. How awful for his daughter. How awful to lose someone so remotely, while they're far away and alone in a hotel room.

What Now for this SAHP?

It's 6am. I've been up since 4. This is my last day at work.....EVER!!! Sounds dramatic doesn't it? I couldn't sleep at all. There's lots more going on than just stopping work but that's what I'll focus on for this post. I now become an SAHP...yeah yeah no smart comments about always being a SAP thanks very much. I mean a "stay at home person". I'm sure I should link to WIKI here but my internet connection is a tad ropey today and I'm afraid to do too much!
Anyway, to all you stay at home people; what happens now? I didn't want to spout the usual cliches about "loss of identity" but maybe they're true. Maybe I will feel like I have lost something at least. Right now I'm bloody chuffed and a little bit scared! Maybe I'll wake up tomorrow morning and wonder what the hell have I done. Maybe I shoulda thought of that sooner says you!!!

UPDATE: I've just read MW's post on a similar topic. That'll teach me to jump right in!