UK Government Wants YOU To Die…

when the zombie apocalypse hits.

Saturday my son bought the first Left 4 Dead game on the Xbox360. Yes I know there is a new one out. But my son hadn’t played the first one and wanted to play that first, before splashing out for the latest and greatest. Besides he got a good deal buying it “pre-owned” or as it truly should be called at the video game shop “second hand” or “used”. But those sharks like to use “pre-owned” as it sounds better and allows them to charge a little bit more for it.

As a good father I played the game with him for a couple of hours or so. My son is lucky he has a dad that is into video games as much as he is.

Anyway after playing it hit me. All these games, and movies are set in the US. Why? I’ll tell you why. That’s where they have easy access to guns and other weapons to defend themselves.

Ok yes 28 Days, and 28 Weeks were set in the UK, I’ll give you that. And in those movies how did any survivors defend themselves? They had to run away!! Shaun of the Dead (also set in the UK) also showed that you need a GUN.

It’s our restrictive laws on guns that will stop more of us in the UK surviving when the zombie apocalypse hits. While the Americans are blasting the heads off of every undead as if hunting season has come early. We here in the UK will be trying to out run the undead vermin hoping that the Armed Forces will be enough to save us.

We can’t even kit our troops out properly for planned conflicts. So the hopes that they will be able to handle the zombie horde is not something we should rely on.

Oh Brown and his cronies will be ok. But feck the rest of us, we will have to rely on being a bit more fitter than the undead. Oh and that zombies are no good at self defense as we try and attack them with potato peelers, bread knifes and cricket bats.

In fact knowing how our legal system works the first zombie I kill defending myself and my home will see me locked up and the key thrown away.

Brown and his crooked lot have diluted the law so much that the victim is the one that gets punished. I bet the zombies would get more help from the state as well than me. In fact I would bet good money that I don’t have that Brown already has announcements for helping the undead get jobs.

I want this to be an issue at the next election. I want it legal to have a gun. I want the law weighted back in favour of the living and defending your home from the living dead. I also want the law changed so that when you die you stay dead.

It’s not that much to ask for is it?

Santa is a c***

No he is. I’ll go even further if I find his rotund body round mine again I’ll feckin’ knee cap him.

Year after bloody year I have the same item at the top of my Christmas list. Year after bloody year his fatness gives me the item that is sooo far down on the list it has dropped off the bottom and fallen down a mine shaft. I don’t need more socks you fat feck. What I need is the item at the top of my list.

How feckin’ hard is it to get me Heather Graham, Heather Locklear and Angelina Jolie for one night of mad passion? Ok one night maybe an over statement of my prowess between the bed sheets. 20 seconds if they were lucky, on a good night possibly, then they would have to entertain their selves for the rest of the time.

But even so my list said Heather Graham, Heather Locklear and Angelina Jolie and not feckin’ socks.

Just what is it that you have got against me Santa? Is it because as a little boy I wouldn’t jump and wiggle around on your knee like all the other kids? You sick perverted feck, just because I wouldn’t play your little Michael Jacksonesq games. You have to go and punish me later in life.

Santa is it you putting the frighteners on Gordon Brown? I was only the other day pondering on here why the feck does he hate me so much.

Just once Your Seasonally Plumpness, just f’in once would you please give me Heather Graham, Heather Locklear and Angelina Jolie for one night of down right degrading disgusting drug and fetish fuelled sex? A sock on the willy just doesn’t even compare, and you know it.

Thanks fatty

Eastenders Writers Steal And Then Lose The Plot

I want my licence fee money back off the BBC.

Last night I was forced to watch the Christmas Day Eastenders special. Now this is a dire series at the best of times. However the script writers of this show have plunged new depths.

Not only did they steal the plot for their Christmas show, they managed to completely bugger it up as well.

So what plot did they steal? Well there is this little known show from the States called The Simpsons. No-one watches it. Which is probably why the BBC Eastenders team felt safe in stealing a plot from one of it’s episodes.

There was a two parter called “Who Shot Mr Burns?” in which the owner of the local nuclear power plant Mr Burns gets shot. It took the writers of the Simpsons 25 minutes (approximately and allowing for adverts etc) to build up the plot from scratch, and a list of suspects.

The Eastenders writers taking the same plot line took an hour (no adverts to take into account), to basically tell a similar story. Talk about waffle and losing the plot.

Aren’t the British screen writers always touted as being so so talented. Yet based on this evidence the BBC needs to sack the pile of shite they have writing for them on Eastenders and do some poaching from the staff of writers used on the Simpsons.

But until they do I’m not funding this creative theft and incompetence. I want my money back.

Merry Christmas

I know I've only been on here a short while with my unique style. It's also an acquired taste for the decerning pallet. A bit like a good single malt whisky.
But even in this short time I think we have gotten to know each other. That our friendship has become something special.
So I feel comfortable and sincere in wishing you all a Merry Christmas. And also in wishing you all a giant swag bag from that seasonally fat chap with the peado beard called Santa.
Have a great day over indulging in all that delicious food and drink.
See you on the other side.

- Posted using BlogPress from my iPhone

A Sanitised Manson

I’m a Marilyn Manson fan. However I accept that he’s not to everyone's taste. Which I think is pretty big of me. Marilyn gets blamed for everything, from nuts going trigger happy in a school to well name your poison basically.

But often as I listen to his music or more importantly watch his videos, I often think “just what would a commercial, soulless, watered down, poppy version of Mr Manson be like?”

Well the other day I came across the answer to that question. I saw my first Lady GaGa video (yeah I know I’m late to the party on this one), and thought that I was watching a cleaned up, sanitised Marilyn Manson.

There was such a close symmetry between the visual styles  of their respective videos, I was shocked. Lady GaGa ok has a penchant for wearing fetish clothing in her act. Which I have no problem with at all, I respect it. Manson also has his own distinct dress code as well, more gothic influenced I think.

But take their fashion sense out of the equation, and a Lady GaGa video is exactly how I would imagine a sucrine, Simon Cowell produced version of a Marilyn Manson video would be done.

Now I have answered that question onto the next biggie for me “does your arse look big in that?”

PS. I could claim that Marilyn got his “distinct” style from Trent Reznor (in fact I believe Marilyn was in one of Trents videos).

Why Does Gordon Brown Hate Me?

As far as I know I’ve never met the man, never spoke to him, never had a virtual exchange with him on the interweb.

And yet it seems he has spent all his time in Government first as Chancellor of the Exchequer and now Prime Minister spearheading a hate campaign against me.

Each year after he got in to power he’s had it in for me. Every budget he did while in Number 11 I‘m sure the driving force for his decisions was “how can I screw Darren?”

Council Tax would go up by 10%. Utility bills would go up by 20%. Train Fares would go up by 7%. Petrol would go up and down more than a whores draws. But always creeping upwards. So Brown cooks up a formula that ignores all that so that he can declare inflation at less than 3%. Which would mean with a bit of luck my employer might give me an inflationary payrise or just under.

Add in all the stealth taxes that Brown was (and probably still is) a big fan of, and each month I would have less and less money.

How far would Brown go with his vendetta against me? Well you have seen the economic disaster that has hit the UK the last couple of years. Yep that is how far he has been prepared to go.

It’s no coincidence that the UK is the only Western country not to get out of the recession. It’s all part of Brown’s game plan to feck me over good.

I have to give him credit Brown would make a mean chess player. I’d say Bond villain but I think Brown is allergic to cat hair.

There’s A Pill For That

I love getting spam emails. No I really do. They so often inform me of solutions for problems I never knew I had or they could of only found out about from my Ex. Heck the spam has even told me about bank accounts with banks I’ve never been with. Which is handy to know about just in case I have money sitting in those none existent accounts.

They seem to have a pill to solve most of these problems, and it usually seems to be the same little blue one. The great thing is they give such great discounts and fast delivery times. And who knew that this little blue pill would be so flexible, those scientist types sure were clever when they invented it.

Another classic I get is the fake DHL delivery email for something I have never ordered. Asking me to print out a label using their specially written spamware program that will tear through my pc stealing anything useful and profitable quicker than Gordon Brown going through my wallet.

Oh and who can forget those hot Asian/Russian women that have seen my photo that only want a relationship, some hot lovin’ (probaby fuelled by that little blue pill at some incredible discount), lessons in English and a green card.

Spam is such fun.

Blocked

Yesterday I had a Twitter first, I was blocked by some-one!!! Yeah moi? Can you believe that? Well I assume it’s a first, because if it has happened before now then I haven’t noticed. Sorry you couldn’t of been that important.

I know why I was blocked, and it is to do with my tweets about one of the speakers at Le Web 09 (I have a whole rant about this and other shows like it, but that is for another day).

I found the speaker very very boring. Coma inducing actually. For those that follow me on Twitter and read my tweets when I catch one of those reality tv shows like Big Brother or X Factor they will know what sort of bile I let rip with. So I let rip in my usual style.

Don’t get me wrong I wasn’t hiding behind the anonymity of the internet. I’d gladly repeat what I said to their face in person (if they wish to travel to where I live, I don’t have the budget to visit them).

According to a friend of the speaker who I also follow, I’m a troll and need to Shut The Feck Up and get my own speaking gig. I’m also meant to apologise to the speaker.

I’d be more than happy to apologise, if the speaker will apologise also. Not for blocking me (that I don’t care about and hadn’t noticed for a couple of days until I was asked to apologise), but for being sooooo boring.

And so ends the rant.

Awkward Age

These Christmas ads from M&S are confusing me. I’m 41, and nearer to 42 than I’d like to be. So as I watch these M&S ads am I meant to be finding Twiggy attractive or is it ok for me to feel more drawn to Noemie Lenoir?

Can you see the quandary here? It seems the choice is either be a toy boy or a dirty old man? Being 41 going on 42 sits me uncomfortably in the middle.

Am I really only fit only to be Cougar meat? I hate getting older.

New Kid On The Block

Some how the promise of power appealed to me, so I snapped at the chance to join this communal blog.

I’m not going to write one of those bog standard blog posts introducing myself. You can work that out for yourself over the coming months. It will give you something to do.

It will also give me something to do as I learn all about you as well. I particularly want to learn all about attractive women that love the smell of a man that has been walking for a week without washing his clothes. Or if that is just too restrictive any attractive blogger groupie will do.

But before I finish this first post just to let you know I haven’t forgiven you for Jedward.